Friday, June 6, 2008

I'd like to help you doctor, yes I really really would, but the din in my head it's too much and it's no good.

Has anyone ever had the dilemma I'm in?

Well, I suppose you can't answer unless I tell you the dilemma.

I want to come out to my fiance about this blog (Which predates our relationship by about half a month - Oh, and when he does read this, if he ever does, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY) and Fetlife (Which I've only been on for a month or two, and while he knows I'm networking more, he doesn't know where).

It's not that telling him I write about sex on the net that bothers me, since I've told him about my roleplays with a friend of mine, roleplays that frequently result in a lot of sex. It's not him learning about the details of past encounters that bothers me, since I've already told him a great deal.

Rather, it's the questions. The 'Why do they get to hear it before me', the 'why do you trust the internet enough to show your body', the 'why didn't you tell me from the get-go', the 'are you cheating on me with someone', the 'I don't want you to do this anymore, will you stop'.

To which, the answers are...

- Because it's easier for me to bare my soul in text. You have no problem doing it verbally or with your guitar. I do it better in text, with my face and name unknown.

- Because I just don't care who sees my body that much. I never have. I never will. Go ahead and wank to my photos, if I like you I'll be flattered and otherwise I just don't care.

- Because if I told you from the get-go that I'd be writing about our sex, my past sex, my fantasies, and posting nudes on the internet, and we broke up, you could possibly use all of it against me. I have watched friends get burned hard over having admitted to smoking weed in their otherwise completely tame and well-behaved blogs, I do NOT feel like having my foot fetish and full details of my sexual history spread all over my entire group of friends, which incidently includes my parents and friends of my parents, and I would not be surprised if any of my friends are still friends with our teachers from school. Those who I choose can know that I like being cropped and worshipping feet, everyone else doesn't need to know.

- No. We have been over this. I did once, I won't again, and that night was with the assistance of enough vodka to tip a bull and some whacky tobaccy to switch my ethics to OFF.

- No. What am I supposed to do, internalize everything? Try to meet friends into the same stuff as me without using a website AIMED at just that? I made it clear from the get-go that I may be submissive in the sexual sense, but in the non-sexual sense I don't take anyone's shit and asking me to give up something that I enjoy is at the least a nice big 'State Of The Union, Or Why You Won't Fucking Ask Me To Change Something That Doesn't Harm You For You' chat. Worst case scenario of asking me to change something like this? The boot, up the ass and out the door. I'd rather be depressed over a breakup than depressed because my urge to talk is being REPRESSED.

But I don't know how to tell him.

'Oh, and by the way darling, I've been writing about our sex for all the net to see since we started dating. They've seen me naked a few times too. Love yas!'

Yeah, right.

Times like this I wish I was still just a slut. Nobody cared if I did fuck all on the internet back then, long as I was good at giving head.