Thursday, November 22, 2007

I wish I'd known when I was 15...

...What a man could do to me.

I turned fifteen at the tail end of grade 9. I attended a small, everyone-knows-everyone school from preschool until grade 9, and was never a popular girl. My extracurricular activity of choice was going home and online.

And then I started high school, where the dynamics of everything changed. I showed up, at an arts high school, with a new hair colour and my already-dark aesthetic slightly refined. Slightly. Not much. It actually looked worse than grade 9. Which wasn't easy.

And yet somehow, I got positive attention. Hit on. Groped. Random flirtations with girls I barely knew.

But the most important sexual event of that point in time was The Asshole, And What Happened With Him.

Why is it the most important?

Because in the span of only 5 hours, I had my first kiss, flashed my tits for the first time, gotten fingered for the first time, given head for the first time, and had sex for the first time. 5 hours. I was fifteen, I had only known him since 3 pm that day, and I felt disgusting when I got home. Not by the sexuality, but by how fast I'd rushed into it, and by how unmemorable it was. To this day, I believe if it hadn't been for that being the time I lost my virginity, I would've just had it fade into my memory, brought up only when relevant, but no. It's there, a sore thumb against everything.

I told my mom that there was a thing at school with all the different clubs you could join, and promptly phoned my 'best friend' of the time, panicked, because we hadn't used a condom. He hadn't come, but I knew pre-cum had sperm and I was scared. She proved how senseless she was about sex when she said that I couldn't get pregnant if I hadn't had an orgasm, which even then I knew wasn't true. I'd been reading about sex for years, I knew enough that an orgasm was not a pre-requisite to pregnancy.

If it was, well, I'd be knocked up so many times by now it isn't funny.

When my period came a week later I couldn't have been happier. However, while I was disgusted with my fastness, I still wanted more. I moved on to giving a guy friend head. And felt disgusted with myself after.

Disgust with myself over sexuality lasted for a long time. I wound up doing The Asshole again, in a washroom stall, when I was sixteen. He yelled at me for checking out a girl and I bailed for good. I had my first relationship shortly afterwards, a relationship that spawned my first orgasm and me finally feeling free to say how I wanted it.

I wish I'd known when I was 15 that I didn't have to rush into anything. I wish I'd known when I was 15 that just because a guy SAYS he'll do anything for you doesn't mean he's telling the truth. I wish I'd known when I was 15 that shame doesn't have to permeate everything.

I wish I'd known when I was 15 that I was as strong then as I am now, and didn't let anyone break me down.

And almost 4 years later I still can see his ice-cold eyes, staring blankly at me, drugged out and crazy...