Monday, June 28, 2010

The Hitachi, or Why I Won't Be Buying A New Vibrator Anytime Soon

So having had a few weeks of regular rendevous with the Hitachi (And by regular, I mean every morning I spent at home involved at least two orgasms at its head), I can say some things quite confidently.

Thing One: Apparently my bits don't enjoy having lace panties vibrated into them at high speeds. This is good knowledge and encourages me to buy more satin panties.

Thing Two: The high speed on the Hitachi is actually nearly TOO much power for me. But the low speed is JUST RIGHT. Every other toy I've ever had, I needed the highest speed to get anywhere (And some of those still didn't do the job).

Thing Three: Lad's back, which doesn't respond well to kneading with hands due to the metal plates in it, can be coaxed into relaxation with this thing. This is very good.

Thing Four: Every review I've ever read for this claims that the Magic Wand is loud. What the hell? This is loud? Have you people never owned a crotch rocket that took two C batteries? THAT FUCKER WAS LOUD. I still lived under my parents roof when I had that. My room was next to theirs. I had to turn my radio up LOUD for the fucked if I know how long I spent masturbating back then. And hold it under the blankets. Five of them. It sounded like a deranged washing machine that was off-balance and half-full of jeans. This thing isn't loud. The music doesn't get turned on to cover the noise it makes. It gets turned on to cover the noises I make.

Thing Five: The cats are still unimpressed with the noises, and all feline companionship leaves the room when the noise starts. I can't complain, seeing as a cat watching you get off is rather awkward. They stare and sometimes they pounce. I've had kittens who weren't bothered by vibrator noise. I know this all too well. I've come far too close to free hood piercings. What I'm saying is kitties are dangerous with bits.

Thing Six: If your bed isn't right next to an outlet, get a power bar or extension cord. We've had one forever so that we can charge our phones and use our mp3 players, and it was a damn godsend.

Thing Seven: Holding this against your voicebox makes your voice sound really funny.

I think this shows why I don't do actual reviews. But it's good enough for me. =D