When I read the first of Essin' Em's 30 Days Of Letters (Done before her by other bloggers whom I keep intending to read in length), I was intrigued. And now I'm giving it a go myself.
This one, for my crush, was actually pretty difficult to write, if because I've never said exactly how I feel out loud to him. Yet. I'm working up the nerve. Slowly.
As it turned out, it was the same kind of thing I felt for my best friend - adoring friendship and sexual attraction mixed into one potent little package. I know this post got a lot of attention - and thus I find it only fair to leave a note that A and I are not in love, he is not my boyfriend, my boyfriend is not A, but A and I are still awesome friends who sometimes talk smuttily and roleplay a lot.
I knew I had an internet crush on you years ago. I didn’t expect it to go beyond that when our paths finally stayed on the same course again. Which is probably why it’s so hard for me to admit out loud that I’ve fallen hard for you. Like a lead balloon, pretty much.
And the fact that you’re the most amazing guy I’ve ever known (Best friend aside, of course, but you understand that) does not help that even remotely. You bring out everything that I am and adore it and yet I’m still a stuttery stammery mess even in text when it comes to admitting how I feel out loud. Well, more like actually sending the words when I type them. No, instead I type, backspace, type, delete, give up and say something about bacon instead.
If you do feel the same way, I have no idea how well I can do long-distance. I cheated twice in my last long-distance. Twice. And he was only a couple hours drive max from me. You’re 3000-ish kilometers away. I fear for my ability to resist temptation, for it has never been stellar. I trust you at least, which is far more than I can say for most of my ex-lovers, and strange, given that you could easily lie to me, far more so than they could, but I can’t see you doing that. I hope you wouldn’t.
I hope I don’t scare you off.